my walk down a snowy street. . .berries birds & sky;;;white, black, red

me & my senses went for a walk in the snow, to a friend's house to write with her, and talk:::::it was so beautiful. . .and all the birds were out, socializing and being themselves

Whoever you are, no matter how lonely, be patient, love the questions,

it's one of those times in life when words and ideas and poetry literally start to seem like bread; like i want to eat them; they are needed; beyond anything else; yes; it is like i need to eat them. how else can i explain? lately i have needed comfort and have taken comfort in the following:

"Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves. . .Do not now seek the answers which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer." --Rilke

"Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese,
harsh and exciting--
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things"
--Mary Oliver, from poem "Wild Geese"

"Ecological studies offer a picture of nature less focused on the terrors of combat than on the dance of communal collaboration, a picture of the great web of being. Struggle and death have not disappeared from the natural world, but death is now understood as a factor in the ongoing life of the community rather than a failure in the life of the individual.
This transformation of images of reality--from fragmentation and competition to community & collaboration--has gone on in virtually every academic discipline for the past fifty years."
--Parker Palmer, from book "The Courage to Teach"

those are my comfort words, for now.

and then here are some things that have been happening in my house--



finn is in love with the show Pingu;; here, he watches little sister Pinga be born, for like the hundredth time



and i have begun and almost finished! a penguin-whale-nautical-stars-ocean quilt for finn! or maybe it's just a pieced blanket! nevertheless--



and, finn and i together made Quick Whole Wheat and Molasses bread--recipe from "How to Cook Everything"--and it was so yummy--fresh with butter and cinnamon and honey and peppermint tea--love!




comfort!

on getting rid of what isn't you (on being a self and what has changed me, in recent)

still feeling new-yearsey! and thinking about self and things of the self on that kind of grand scale.

so i wanted to make a list of things that have changed me in 2010, all in good ways i think, for better or for worse:

1. yoga nidra (a sort of yoga focused on meditation; a class was offered during the holiday season and part of the advertisement for it was that 20 minutes of yoga nidra could feel as refreshing as 6 hours of sleep!)

2. the goddess pose in yoga (it opens one's hips in wild ways. for me, it was where so much tension and emotion had been stored for the past 2 years--since the tug-of-war i did with my midwife and birth team during the pushing part of labor. . .but, wildly, doing this pose in the class i took over the holidays released so much of that. now i do it everyday.)

3. the john o'donohue interview on the american public media radio show "On Being"

4. yoko ono's song "rainbow revelation", which i always think about (the idea of the transference of emotions--seems so hopeful like "bless you for your jealousy it's a sign of empathy")

5. finn's becoming his 2-year-old self;;;my subsequent turn-change-burst into being an actual parent, that of a 2-year-old. it took awhile for me to find my footing here on this parent-mountain but i will say slowly, slowly it starts to feel smoother; as others have said, i think it is all about keeping your sense of humor and silliness intact. . .it is also about being a good person, which is really really hard.

6. the Rosemary Wells book "Carry Me" (i think this kid's book is beautiful, tender, and amazing--"little blue light outside my door. . .")

7. reading poems to Finn from the book "Switching on the Moon", edited by Jane Yolen


8. thinking a lot about immanence, about being yourself, about acceptance, about postive parenting, about the idea of honoring each other. i get this idea of immanence from starhawk--it's the idea, as i read it, that the inherent value of the world is the world--that what is here, what we are living, is what we need to honor and value. (and, i might add, enjoy!)



enough listing! here are photos from the recent visit to grandma & granpa mcgregor's house:;;;like finn playing with this long-armed turtle--



and then there's this pink-face self portrait from the a frozen walk downtown in the first week of the new year--



Finn feeding the birds with his grandma. . .

of christmastime 2010 (the value of the world is the world)

this year it is a relief the holidays are over, although we had some wonderful times. but: i want to just settle and feel good! can this happen? perhaps.

i am tired of writing lists, of telling myself the things i must do. instead, for a few short days, i was writing affirmations of things that i CAN do, if i so choose (it's not like i have to. these are just affirmations, see?). little encouragements, perhaps. or like the blue engine says, i think i can i think i can i thinkicanithinkicani think ican


AFFIRMATIONS FOR 2011

i can be myself
i can write
i can be patient
i can enjoy what i'm doing
i can learn new ways and tricks for emotional situations
i can create
i can read books that i enjoy reading
i can love
i can change
i can know myself well enough to change
i can imagine
i can build on acceptance
i can wait and work silently for good things to happen
i can sing

-------------
--------------
there was a beautiful snow on christmas eve in des moines; finn and i went out and played for a little while--

i managed to make a few things--i made finn this little felt mat to vroom his cars on; then i cut out some other embellishments for the mat; a fox, a lake, a fish, mountains, sun & moon, etc.!

finn received a potty present--new underwear, stickers and a potty chart--at his baba's house, he wore his undies on the outside of his pjs all day, like a superhero--

a couple other thingys i made for friends (along with a few things others made, as well!)--


and i am adding right here that this boy is wearing a beautiful scarf knitted by wendy;;;


random makings, heres and theres--in this first photo, finn and i drew the picture;; adrienne made the remarkable crayons!;

at the aquarium

at the shedd aquarium in chicago, with mr. charming owen-pants! and much to finn's delight, we took the train to get there. . .

good december of small things

what else? well, small things. like i embroidered this little train on one of finn's hoodies.

and i got a couple of new notebooks/ sketchbooks--and in them i am writing ideas for children's stories--it is something that, right now, i am actually finally doing and i feel the most excited about. the first story/ poem is called "places where the sun gets caught" and it's about things in november that are beautiful.

this is photo of my boxes and piles of fabric that i have not started yet started holiday crafting with yet. i am existing in a sort of state of paralysis, with long lists of things to make, and feeling unable to start at night after finn is in bed--which is when i could do it. you know but it's semester-end. probably one night, peacefully, i'll just start cutting and ironing and sewing methodically, like an elf. . .
happy boy with tree and excavator! (or elevator, as he calls it)

that's all & i am wishing a good december to all of you, of baking and writing and painting and sewing and knitting and whatever it is you do!
love blue

strands and bits of light and warm places;;squirrel squirrel popcorn string;;;poem [river]

we've been looking for lights and warm places on our cold cold around-the-block walks;;;;we've been making paper chains and snowflakes and santas;;;;peter even strung some popcorn for the tree;;;;;squirrel squirrel squirrel squirrel squirrel!











here's a part of a poem, thinking about light and all and happiness:

I am watching me watching me with light showing piles of air layers inside it.

I have been running towards it.

I will hold this ship on my finger
To the right or left I will lean
I will not say anything
I will climb in the boat
We are all there
My mother
My brother
My sister
My younger brother
The midwives in their shadows
The psychopomp in grey finery
The seedlings sprouted in little pots
Myself
This notebook
My baby—now a child
Peter
All of the people who come to love us
The cycles of light, food, air water
The cycles of throwing up if you need to

I will hold this on my finger and enter it.
The form is too much and will be inside it.
Inside it the hypnotist

The language is short like
Nuts.
The language is doors or
Hairs.
The language is eyes in
Piles.

And I meant everything I said to the river
When he challenged me he sprung the light sponge-bits of floating bones to the surface
Here are your father’s bones!
Here is a water spider!
Here is everything made of light!
Here is the shadow across it!

That a river is aware of his body being entered—that a river has a body.
That it had a voice which was thinking of me.
That I could return it and say,
I have to decide where I am speaking from, river.
I have to decide what I am as I write.
I am sewing a tooth on my arm
I am repeating silk and grass, worm and moon, spider and dream. . .

The world bears us.
The world bears me.
It is all day long thinking.
The world wide web the world wide web.
The river is thinking
In fits and starts.
It is throwing stars into its brains and mixing it up at night when it can

I am mapping a river in the river
And it is answering itself
Which could be any number of things.

Which is like me. I had bleating and goat-like tendencies.
Everything is tender and new
I am a meaning of it
And I am in the present
So I can’t talk right now. . .

Why don’t you go outside. To recover
And can we talk? We are broke in her window
The spider walks to shore to show us all. It is not wrong to be gazing on life

I am the decision! I have the answer of who is your friend?

The future inside itself in the movement of my body

Poem poem poem in the river there are my father’s dogs, running.

He is catching these walls of no energy exhaustion
We are playing and being . . .