clearing out the old mind-webs (please indulge a long list)

example of a list you might see here (33 for nearing the end of my 33rd year)
1 write a poem
2 apply to jobs for summer
3 go on an artist date
4 playdate or just hang out
5 finish f's quilt
6 write a children's book with l.
7 bake bread and quiche
8 walk or dance ASAP
9 shake and silence (yoga on thursdays)
10 write letters to friends
11 blog
12 write a list
13 write a poem every tuesday like m.
14 write a song every friday okay
15 begin collecting poems for children's book anthology
16 make children's album actually too
17 record things on my hand-held recorder
18 get some new books and music
19 organize everything for all classes that i teach (3 this semester)
20 make finn a happy corner and train pants
21 make sure everyone i love knows i love them and value them
22 find whale poster and miro poster (blue whale jumping out of water and miro’s blue i-iii)
23 paint with watercolors and then little line drawings on outside
24 finish & send thank you cards from the holidays
25 write out affirmations and quotes beautifully, and hang them on the wall
26 swim with f
27 find new pants
28 walk quinn all the time and love
29 finish all the books i’m reading it’s annoying to read things for so long
30 send out poetry manscript and hard earned cash to first book contests
31 finish cover letter for the full-time teaching job i’m applying for
32 finish c.v. too, boo
33 finish knitting projects and other lovely things for all the new friend-babies and cousin-babies on the (soon!) way

from here it looks like this

dear friends, this is what it looks like these days all around my desk, which is in the upstairs bedroom now, which is my room (now). kind of self-helpy i guess. but, i like it here. i painted that "happy" on those cool little tiny canvasses, intending to make a happy calm-down-and-feel-good corner for finn in his room (also hoping to make a beanbag for that calm down corner) but well for now i have hijacked that happy and stuck it above my window, inviting some in, perhaps. otherwise these days i am trying to be okay with the unknown, with living in the unknown, more okay with it than i've ever been before, trying to kiss that unknown which is, in fact, unknowable. hee hee!

finn keeps talking about going to the seashore. i agree with that, i tell him. so, if anybody's got an ocean for me, send it over. yrs & kindly, a blue whale

dance boy etc.

some things! like, we have been playing, outside & in~~~we even went to a "kid-friendly" music show;;;;;and finn spun around with fellow toddler noam through many songs.;;;;i pulled him in the purple sled to follow the trains in the gulley by our house;;;;AND! i made a bag for a friend's birthday that i've been trying to make for a year, exactly. and i think it took an hour and a half to make, or so.///what else? just finn playing naked with trucks. . .

my walk down a snowy street. . .berries birds & sky;;;white, black, red

me & my senses went for a walk in the snow, to a friend's house to write with her, and talk:::::it was so beautiful. . .and all the birds were out, socializing and being themselves

Whoever you are, no matter how lonely, be patient, love the questions,

it's one of those times in life when words and ideas and poetry literally start to seem like bread; like i want to eat them; they are needed; beyond anything else; yes; it is like i need to eat them. how else can i explain? lately i have needed comfort and have taken comfort in the following:

"Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves. . .Do not now seek the answers which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer." --Rilke

"Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese,
harsh and exciting--
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things"
--Mary Oliver, from poem "Wild Geese"

"Ecological studies offer a picture of nature less focused on the terrors of combat than on the dance of communal collaboration, a picture of the great web of being. Struggle and death have not disappeared from the natural world, but death is now understood as a factor in the ongoing life of the community rather than a failure in the life of the individual.
This transformation of images of reality--from fragmentation and competition to community & collaboration--has gone on in virtually every academic discipline for the past fifty years."
--Parker Palmer, from book "The Courage to Teach"

those are my comfort words, for now.

and then here are some things that have been happening in my house--



finn is in love with the show Pingu;; here, he watches little sister Pinga be born, for like the hundredth time



and i have begun and almost finished! a penguin-whale-nautical-stars-ocean quilt for finn! or maybe it's just a pieced blanket! nevertheless--



and, finn and i together made Quick Whole Wheat and Molasses bread--recipe from "How to Cook Everything"--and it was so yummy--fresh with butter and cinnamon and honey and peppermint tea--love!




comfort!

on getting rid of what isn't you (on being a self and what has changed me, in recent)

still feeling new-yearsey! and thinking about self and things of the self on that kind of grand scale.

so i wanted to make a list of things that have changed me in 2010, all in good ways i think, for better or for worse:

1. yoga nidra (a sort of yoga focused on meditation; a class was offered during the holiday season and part of the advertisement for it was that 20 minutes of yoga nidra could feel as refreshing as 6 hours of sleep!)

2. the goddess pose in yoga (it opens one's hips in wild ways. for me, it was where so much tension and emotion had been stored for the past 2 years--since the tug-of-war i did with my midwife and birth team during the pushing part of labor. . .but, wildly, doing this pose in the class i took over the holidays released so much of that. now i do it everyday.)

3. the john o'donohue interview on the american public media radio show "On Being"

4. yoko ono's song "rainbow revelation", which i always think about (the idea of the transference of emotions--seems so hopeful like "bless you for your jealousy it's a sign of empathy")

5. finn's becoming his 2-year-old self;;;my subsequent turn-change-burst into being an actual parent, that of a 2-year-old. it took awhile for me to find my footing here on this parent-mountain but i will say slowly, slowly it starts to feel smoother; as others have said, i think it is all about keeping your sense of humor and silliness intact. . .it is also about being a good person, which is really really hard.

6. the Rosemary Wells book "Carry Me" (i think this kid's book is beautiful, tender, and amazing--"little blue light outside my door. . .")

7. reading poems to Finn from the book "Switching on the Moon", edited by Jane Yolen


8. thinking a lot about immanence, about being yourself, about acceptance, about postive parenting, about the idea of honoring each other. i get this idea of immanence from starhawk--it's the idea, as i read it, that the inherent value of the world is the world--that what is here, what we are living, is what we need to honor and value. (and, i might add, enjoy!)



enough listing! here are photos from the recent visit to grandma & granpa mcgregor's house:;;;like finn playing with this long-armed turtle--



and then there's this pink-face self portrait from the a frozen walk downtown in the first week of the new year--



Finn feeding the birds with his grandma. . .

of christmastime 2010 (the value of the world is the world)

this year it is a relief the holidays are over, although we had some wonderful times. but: i want to just settle and feel good! can this happen? perhaps.

i am tired of writing lists, of telling myself the things i must do. instead, for a few short days, i was writing affirmations of things that i CAN do, if i so choose (it's not like i have to. these are just affirmations, see?). little encouragements, perhaps. or like the blue engine says, i think i can i think i can i thinkicanithinkicani think ican


AFFIRMATIONS FOR 2011

i can be myself
i can write
i can be patient
i can enjoy what i'm doing
i can learn new ways and tricks for emotional situations
i can create
i can read books that i enjoy reading
i can love
i can change
i can know myself well enough to change
i can imagine
i can build on acceptance
i can wait and work silently for good things to happen
i can sing

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there was a beautiful snow on christmas eve in des moines; finn and i went out and played for a little while--

i managed to make a few things--i made finn this little felt mat to vroom his cars on; then i cut out some other embellishments for the mat; a fox, a lake, a fish, mountains, sun & moon, etc.!

finn received a potty present--new underwear, stickers and a potty chart--at his baba's house, he wore his undies on the outside of his pjs all day, like a superhero--

a couple other thingys i made for friends (along with a few things others made, as well!)--


and i am adding right here that this boy is wearing a beautiful scarf knitted by wendy;;;


random makings, heres and theres--in this first photo, finn and i drew the picture;; adrienne made the remarkable crayons!;