i need to clean this room, which i am so lucky to have i know, but it's hard for me to think in here right now. i need to link to this blog post that i am loving: http://jennifernew.wordpress.com/2010/10/08/ca-reer-noun/ [o happy thinking about mother-artists, us, how we do it, and we do do it!]. i need a candle for right now spirits to enter right here. i need to do autumn cleaning, i mean like shake dust out and get it aaaall right before winter. i need to be happy in october, my favorite month with my favorite light (and shadows). i need to be creative as in stand up and stretch. well my strategy was that i would list these needs/thoughts in staccato repetition in order to show how my brain shuts itself out & down and then sits there in helpless paralysis but so far this is unpleasant!!
so funny then, that lately i have been thinking a lot about positive thinking, how it can change everything and it is my brain-spirit's mixing with the air and thought of the world, but indeed i do control it [as in calling your child spirited instead of difficult] [or being grateful for what is now & good rather than what is past or maybe, & makes you feel bad] [as in, fears] [all of this also relevant to that blog post above that i linked to, as in tilly woodward: ". . .But what I really want, ultimately, it to give people permission to value themselves. . .when you confirm goodness you are taking an important step. When we confirm people's goodness over and over, we allow them to be that way..." ]
on friday we picked finn up from daycare and he had a 104 degree fever. he is okay now yes but it has been harrowing [especially i suspect because i'm not ms. seasoned mom who has been through a lot of illnesses with many kids. . .also a bit of a hypochondriac myself]
there are about 5 or 7 (or as finn would say, four, seeven, eight) old friends that i haven't spoken to in over a year: ;;;;;;;; my human-web:::i need to manage it more!! you know?
this is pitiful! well here are some notes i took excitedly, [i must say right here there are fewer things in the world that make me feel more centered than reading and taking notes, especially if it is a book that is just zinging with the things i need to hear, to buzz & hum and all that] and:
"A mother's thread or line is ringed about in silence so poems are"
"In what language shall I address you? Self-assertion by letter writing."
"October strips off cover and quiet conscience."
"A poem can prevent onrushing light going out. Narrow path in the teeth of proof. Fire of words will try us. Grace given to few. Coming home though bent and bias for the sake of why so. Awkward as I am. Here and there invincible things as they are."
[[above from Susan Howe's book The Birth-mark: unsettling the wilderness in American literary history]]
one final thought concerning meditation: in whatever form you choose to do it, simply taking some time to notice your thoughts, your breathing, and your body can open new passageways in your mind, i really do think. i especially love soft belly meditation: just do this, think soft on the inhale and belly on the exhale; do it only for 5 minutes, even, if that's all you've got----
good night, i'll imagine all your breathing bellies now as i fall asleep-----
or maybe i will stay up and sew a pillow------
or perhaps a
bag
or a
poem-thing
or
read
and draw
or clean
and
sing
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